I am no longer building relationships with people.
This goes for existing connections or ones that fell off.
The more I thought about the term ‘building’, the more I realized nothing that has the ability to grow is built. Things that are built, require that I construct or assemble into a shape or form that I see best. & That alone is synonymous of manipulation.
I want all of my relationships to form organically and grow naturally. To say build is like tampering with the divine.
I guess you could say I am only interested in organically grown relationships. Where every relationship is plant-life: meaning I will prepare soil for it. Put in fertilizers if needed. Add water. Even watch how the sun mirrors the beauty of such a connection. But I am not forcing the direction and speed of its growth.
I will no longer extend myself or exert all of my effort into building a relationship to meet my expectations of it. This requires too much self-inflicted anxiety and stress & honestly, I don’t have time for the shit.
The act of surrendering and releasing my grip of control is creating more space for allowance. I realized that the more I tried to build a better relationship with someone, I created patterns for myself and them. Patterns in relationships are a crutch- you get used to things being a certain way. You become conditioned.
Most relationships are so synthetic. Full of imitation. Occupied with fear. Populated with control and conditional love. & I am guilty of relating this way, all because I had been trying to “build” what I thought was a solid, healthy relationship.
Note to self: The blueprint I was using to build relationships was based on previous insecurities, unhealed wounds, and lack of loving me. Throw it away.
It’s funny to me that most of my relationships turned a new leaf once I finally found my joy, that was selfishly mine. Outside of her or him. A joy that I could return to as a safe haven to cradle my heart back to its center when needed. As I am navigating through my 20s, I have learned that in order to foster organic relationships- I must continue to pour life into me first.
So, I’m sorry that I cannot build with you.- But you’re welcome to grow with me.