I’ve grown much too awkward lately.
I mean I guess that’s they call it nowadays when someone doesn’t really have much to say, but doesn’t want to be utterly silent to make the other person/ people feel uncomfortable in their presence.
Over the past few months, I’ve been coming into my own, battling demons like I’m on some ‘apocalypse’ type of shit, slaying and shedding old versions of myself that keep coming back for war.
& in the midst of continual growth that feels like a constant battle zone, I am learning to feel more. Learning not to hide behind empty conversations in order to combat my rawness being felt, touched, discovered. Learning the art of silence because that’s where real intimacy lies.
I used to love talking just to talk. It’s in my saggitarian nature. I would talk the fuck out of an ear, just to dodge the intimate nature of being silent with someone- anything to not open the energetic feels, because that moment is conclusive if a person matches vibrationally or not.
Becoming more meditative has been the introduction to awkward-hood for me.
Unafraid to show my emptiness that I am still healing. Unafraid to expose my truth without it buried beneath words of insignificance. Unafraid for those to see the dirt I’ve grown from.
I’m just trying to feel my way through the presence of another, instead of small-talking my way to juvenile intimacy. I’ve done that much too many times.
I’ve grown much too awkward lately, but in that, I can hear intentions more clearly. It’s more about what they are not saying, than what they do. Let me just make it clear, it’s not that I don’t like talking, I just rather it be of substance.
As I am growing within my evolution, mental and spiritual stimulation is the driving force, not the entertainment of such- because let’s be honest, we can get that anywhere.
So here’s to awkward-hood: where stimulation rules over entertainment, silence is the new art of intimacy, and achieving sensibility is far beyond the achievement of small talk.